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Whether you're inspired to gently correct a coworker who has her elbows on the table at a company dinner or you can't stop yourself from criticizing the way your partner chews with his mouth open, trying to improve someone else's table manners is nearly always an uncomfortable conversation. Which is why—except in a few very specific cases—experts agree you have only one polite recourse for addressing the way someone else behaves at the table: ignore it completely.
"Correcting someone else's mistake is an implicit form of criticism," says Sharon Schweitzer of Access to Culture—and even implicit criticism is generally impolite. "Since etiquette is fluid, and rests on a foundation of consideration, respect, and honesty, correcting someone publicly would sting. It wouldn't reflect consideration for others or self-respect; that person and others at the table wouldn't ever feel comfortable in your presence again," she says. In short: "It's better to mind your own manners," says Schweitzer, "rather than someone else's manners."
Diane Gottsman, founder of The Protocol School of Texas, agrees. "There is no way to politely correct another person's table manners without running the risk of insulting them or hurting their feelings," she says. "Chances are, unless you have had some formal training—not your grandmother's manners—you don't know all of the rules, either." But if you're set on making the correction and you're able to do so privately, here's the best course of action to take.
Related: Things Every Guest Should Bring to a Dinner Party
When you want to correct a stranger.
Some table manners vary by cuisine or tradition, points out Daniel Post Senning of The Emily Post Institute, which means drawing attention to a fellow diner who isn't sure which fork to start with or where his bread plate is can create an embarrassing moment (for both of you). "That's trickier, because it's not about someone's decisions in the moment, it's about their exposure to those traditions," he says. "It can end up feeling like you're calling someone out for not knowing." So, offer a private assist with a phrase like, "You know, something I always do is…" which doesn't draw attention to their mistake. This may be better received, or even appreciated. "I call it the 'broccoli on the tooth' rule," he says. "If you can help someone avoid awkwardness or embarrassment by addressing something a little awkward or difficult, most people will appreciate it."
When you want to correct a loved one.
Though correcting a family member or friend is just as rude as correcting a stranger, you have one advantage: Your loved one knows you mean well. "If it's something that's egregious and correctable, there is a spirit of friendly assist that you can use with people you are close to," says Senning. "But it's hard to address anyone's behavior about anything and eating is such a personal thing, such a habitual action—it can be really hard." Prepare for the conversation by choosing an appropriate time and location and use a warm tone of voice.
"If it is a friend, and he or she is doing something disturbing, you can say something privately for their own benefit," says Gottsman. "However, it's a delicate task and you should think carefully before correcting another adult." Many experts—including Gottsman and Schweitzer—offer in-person or virtual dining tutorials that allow professionals to tackle the corrections; giving one as a gift to a friend who leaves her phone next to her plate or an uncle who monopolizes the conversation lets you dodge a difficult conversation and help fix the issue.
But, really—let it go.
Good etiquette is about making people comfortable, which means pointing out a manners mistake—like the way someone reaches across the table for the salt and pepper or slurps her soup—is often worse than the mistake itself. "Keep in mind that the Queen of England regularly overlooks breaches of royal etiquette without so much as a raised eyebrow," says Schweitzer. "In fact, she has been known to mimic minor faux pas that her guests have committed to prevent them from feeling any awkwardness." And if you insist on calling attention to someone else's gaffe, prepare yourself for the backlash. "A manners mistake—not a big deal," says Senning. "A mistake of character—that really matters."
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