DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does no one observe the dinner hour anymore?
My dear grandmother, the etiquette expert in my family, instructed me at an early age that it was impolite to call anyone between the hours of 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. unless the matter was urgent, because it was assumed that most families ate dinner during that time.
I understand that times have changed (not necessarily for the better, in my opinion) and many people don’t cook or eat at home on a regular basis.
Not that it matters — the advent of the cellphone has made it possible to interrupt someone’s dinner wherever they may be having it.
Neither my family nor my circle of close friends is large, but I can’t tell you the last time I prepared and consumed a meal without my phone ringing at least once. I don’t answer, but will contact the caller when dinner is over and the cleanup has been completed. My husband agrees with me on this, and he doesn’t answer his phone during dinner either (although his rings less often).My adult children know better than to challenge me on the subject, but a couple of my friends have taken umbrage with my choice. According to them, the correct procedure is to answer the phone, immediately tell the caller you’re having dinner, and assure them that you’ll call back as soon as you’re finished.
Confident that you will side with me, I have agreed to abide by your say on this matter, and so have two of my disgruntled friends.
GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners allows you to triumph over your friends, and also offers a simple solution to your problem, will you tolerate her sounding off a bit?
This is prompted by that remark you tossed off about change. Deploring change is thought to be one of etiquette’s basic activities.
Nonsense. Its very interest in tradition means that it knows what sort of appalling customs have been practiced through history, many of which we are lucky to be rid of.
But there are also valuable innovations. It is Miss Manners’ job to sort through them in the interest of persuading people to avoid the bad ones and adopt the good. She puts the three changes you cite in different categories.
— Bad: The demise of the nightly household dinner. It is where people bond, as well as where children learn the art of conversation and how to eat without disgusting others. But many overscheduled routines were paused during the pandemic, and she hopes the resulting dinners at home will stay.
— Good: Telephone ringers can easily be turned off now, and phones will even keep track of who called so that you can call back after dinner.
— Neutral: Calling between 5 and 7. As you realize, it cannot be assumed that the nation is all at dinner then (your dear grandmother must have eaten very early), and anyway, it is the callees, not the callers, who can now control when they speak.
Please do that. But you can tell your other advisers that even the brief use they suggest of the telephone at the dinner table is rude.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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