Whether you are thinking about getting married or you have already jumped in with both feet, you may be wondering if it's really possible to prevent divorce. Or, to put it another way, is it just wishful thinking to believe this is forever?
If you have lived through your parents' divorce, you might be wondering if you have what it takes to prevent a divorce in your own marriage.
If you have ever heard the statistic that half of all first time marriages end in divorce, you might be questioning if whether or not you will make it is just luck of the draw.
If you have read about or know couples who have been married for 50 years, you might be asking, "What's their secret?"
Regardless of your responses, I'm going to give you some good news, straight up — the answer based on research is, yes, you really can prevent divorce, and the even better news is it isn't rocket science.
First, the reasons people cite for wanting to get a divorce:
A national survey on Marriage in America conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative found that the most common reason given for divorce was "lack of commitment" (73% said this was a major reason). Other significant reasons included too much arguing (56%), infidelity (55%), marrying too young (46%), unrealistic expectations (45%), lack of equality in the relationship (44%), lack of preparation for marriage (41%) and abuse (29%). (People often give more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100%.) Other more recent surveys of adults have come up with similar findings.
Clearly, there are some valid reasons people get divorced, but a huge percentage of couples are divorcing for reasons that are preventable with some intentional focus. So, if you are considering marriage or you are already married and you want it to last forever, here are some things you can do to increase your chances of staying together:
* Communicate! Keep in mind that just because you love someone doesn't mean you communicate well with each other. Be intentional about making time to talk with each other not just about intense things, but life in general. Pay attention to how you listen — or actually don't listen. So often, people are more interested in what they have to say than what their partner has to say. As a result, they only halfway listen because they are preparing for what they want to say next. Practice being in the moment and really listening to your partner. This seems to come easier when you are dating than after you get married.
* Pay attention to how you handle conflict. Every great relationship has conflict, but it's the way people engage each other in the midst of it that matters. If the win for either of you is to get the last word or to be right, your relationship loses. The goal with conflict is to actually increase intimacy in your relationship, not create disconnect between the two of you.
* Commit. This might be the super-secret sauce for marriages. If you enter into marriage with the idea that if the going gets tough you can always leave, it will be hard to build a strong relationship over time because in the back of your mind you are always entertaining the notion of leaving. The thing about marriage is that it is challenging at times. It's impossible to bring two people together and not experience some strenuous moments. However, healthy marriages aren't challenging all the time and they take advantage of the challenges to bring them closer — as in, "Look what we just came through/survived together!" This makes you stronger as a team and also builds confidence that whatever the next challenge is, you can work together to get to the other side.
To be clear, if you are experiencing abuse, addiction or affairs in your marriage, this is different and you need to seek professional help to determine your best next steps. These are unhealthy and potentially dangerous behaviors. You can be committed to your marriage and love your spouse and also know the relationship cannot continue along the same path with these unhealthy behaviors.
* Be intentional about connecting. When couples talk about lack of commitment, a lot of this centers on feeling disconnected. They are committed to the relationship, but slowly over time, children come along, careers get more intense, parents struggle with illness — all things that require your time, energy and emotional bandwidth. Before you know it, instead of feeling like a team, you feel distant from one another. When one or both people in a marriage start feeling disconnected, they consciously or unconsciously begin to look for connection elsewhere. And you know, the grass is always greener in the yard that gets attention. Take inventory of the activities you are involved in. Every couple should have activities they do together and apart, but if you find you are doing more activities separately from your spouse, you may want to evaluate the impact it is having on your relationship connectedness.
* Make time to play together. Being playful together releases dopamine — the feel-good hormone. When you do things with your spouse that make you feel good, you create powerful positive memories and you associate those feelings with being with your spouse. The University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies research finds that the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in understanding overall marital happiness.
* Train your brain. It is true that we teach our brains to think a certain way. If you start feeling negative toward your spouse and you avoid letting them know how you feel, you will probably start to notice the things they do that bother you more often. Before long, you have built your case for why they are no longer the right person for you. On the other hand, if you look for the good in your spouse, it's not that you never see their faults, you just don't let them take up residence in your brain and impact how you see the one you love.
* Look to the future. Dream about things you want to do or accomplish together. Write them down and revisit them annually to see if there are things you want to add or delete. This gives you a future focus together and a focal point for when you face challenging times and need something to keep you motivated and forward-facing in your marriage. It's kind of a reminder that in the midst of difficulty, it's not always going to be like this. Kids get potty-trained and sleep through the night, teens eventually become adults, illnesses go away or you learn how to manage them.
No marriage is 100% risk-free of divorce, however there are definitely protective measures you can put in place to significantly decrease your risk for divorce, both before and after marriage. Guard against putting your marriage on auto-pilot. Be intentional about the choices you make on a daily basis. Avoid comparing your marriage to someone else's, as you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Think of your marriage as a never-ending adventure. It's going to have some insanely crazy times you don't wish to repeat and some wildly exhilarating moments that you won't want to end, but consider this: If you quit in the middle of a perfectly good marriage, you will have no idea what you missed out on.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at julieb@firstthings.org
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July 25, 2020 at 11:03PM
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First Things First: Can you really prevent divorce? - Chattanooga Times Free Press
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